whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
