Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
