Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
