I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
