I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
