I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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