Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
