My friends, they love my intelligence
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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