but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
