Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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