this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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