Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I just sharted jello shots
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