I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
