y did u give ur computer a hand job?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
