I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize