I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
