My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
