What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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