can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
