I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
