The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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