You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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