My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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