gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
