had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
