So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
