Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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