God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
