you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
