I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
