I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
