We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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