Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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