I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
