she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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