So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize