Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
