it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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