see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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