rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
