At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
