I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
