he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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