Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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