he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
