Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
