i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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