I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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