my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
