There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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