Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
