I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
