i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
