What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
