Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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